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Part 3

Continued from the posts on relational trauma and the previous one on dissociation….. (Edited)

«Ότι μας κλώτσησε στο φως / είναι αυτοσχέδιος μηχανισμός / όπως το γέλιο ενός παιδιού / μια χαραμάδα πανικού….» Στίχοι: Χρήστος Θηβαίος

(abuse amnesia; ambient abuse; cognitive dissonance; gaslighting; triangulation; provocation and triggering; conditioning; violations of trust; misuse and abuse of power; simultaneous wounding; complex PTSD; narcissistic injury and rage; causality and compassion; nature and nurture; society, enculturation and the operation of outdated beliefs; cold empathy; empathy)

In her book Shahadi Arabi expands on the neurobiology of trauma and how we are both wired to bond with others, even those that hurt us, and deny or dissociate what hurts us. She uses the term abuse amnesia. She writes “Many of us suffer abuse amnesia because our brain creates defensive mechanisms in the form of disassociation to protect ourselves from the abuse we’re suffering, but to heal from trauma, we have to at some point address it…… Abuse amnesia {is} the victim’s tendency to suppress abusive memories after they have been chronically abused. The victim may even demonstrate a positive outlook on the abuser, repressing the trauma they’ve experienced due to their investment in their relationship, as well as trauma bonding created by intense, shared experiences…” This partial  disconnection to the totality of one’s reality or deeper underlying dynamics can also be attributed to simply not knowing all the facts, ignorance of red flags and what to be weary of in relationships, constantly doubting oneself and one’s perception, over trusting and over tolerance, and also, something termed as ambient abuse, which is the atmosphere of fear, anxiety and self-doubt created by covert intimidation often with no acts of traceable explicit abuse.

Cognitive dissonance (also related to the above) is a distressing mental state that occurs when we hold two conflicting beliefs at once. Arabi writes “In order to resolve this internal conflict, the individual has to look for reasons that one belief over the other is true. When an abuse victim meets his or her abuser, they often see the charming, loving façade in the early stages of the relationship. When abusers eventually unmask themselves and reveal their true ugliness, abuse victims struggle to reconcile the horrific abuse with the sweet, tender and seemingly compassionate person they first encountered at the beginning of the relationship. This may lead them to deny or minimize the abuse as a way to survive the reality they’re experiencing and resolve their cognitive dissonance……  It can take a great deal of time and effort before we can resolve the cognitive dissonance that this type of relationship evokes in us, as we are likely to develop conflicting beliefs, feelings and thoughts about an abusive partner who can switch masks so rapidly (Carver, 2004).” Resolving  cognitive dissonance involves seeing the bigger picture and coming to terms with the truth rather than engaging in denial, minimization or rationalization. Cognitive dissonance further exacerbates complex-PTSD symptomatology; so, the capacity to ground ourselves in the totality of our reality takes time and requires a grieving process and some level of healing. It also requires knowledge; however, while knowledge is power, until one can deal with their subconscious wounds, it is difficult to end manipulation or abuse or to create significant changes. Knowledge must be combined with behavioral changes, which need to be supported by healing on the level of these wounds.

Continued…Read more

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Painting in progress

“Θα μας βρει η νύχτα μ’ άσπρα τα μαλλιά, μα τα τραγούδια παιδικά και μελανιές στα πόδια…” Στίχοι του Σταύρου Ρουμελιώτη

I have been painting this last week and so I haven’t got round to writing the third part on relational trauma and healing in connection to narcissism.  Instead today I’ve chosen to write a little on dissociation and share a podcast by Rick and Forrest Hanson at: https://www.rickhanson.net/being-well-podcast-how-to-deal-with-dissociation/, in which they talk about many aspects and levels of dissociation, the functions it serves, experiences that can lead to it and how to deal with it. I realised that I haven’t written anything on dissociation for quite some time now, but trauma and dissociation are very closely linked, as Bessel van der Kolk writes “dissociation is the essence of trauma”, and this site is a all about trauma and art. In his book, The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma, Bessel van der Kolk writes: “Dissociation is the essence of trauma. The overwhelming experience is split off and fragmented, so that the emotions, sounds, images, thoughts, and physical sensations related to the trauma take on a life of their own. The sensory fragments of memory intrude into the present, where they are literally relived. As long as the trauma is not resolved, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses keep getting replayed.”

As mammals we have inherent defense mechanisms and capacities to cope with challenging circumstances, which have both positive and problematic aspects. One of these is dissociation. Forrest Hanson introduces the topic by saying that “It’s normal for us to have a relatively continuous experience of reality. This happens so seamlessly that we usually aren’t even aware of it. While it’s normal for our sense of self to grow and change over time, there’s usually a pretty continuous sense of who “you” are that extends in a largely unbroken line into the past. In much the same way, automatic functions like our senses and memory create a continuous experience of the world around us. When this automatic process breaks down, we experience dissociation.” Breuer postulated that “trauma creates fright, which inhibits the flow of ideas, and thereby establishes a hypnoid state – one which is re-established every time there is a collection of the emotionally charged idea. This is very close to modern views of trauma creating dissociative states that are combined with intrusive recollections, or reliving, of the trauma. In the intrusive reliving states, the person may lose contact with present reality, experiencing a past trauma as if it were happening in the present. Current therapies for traumatic stress involve enabling the person to access the distressing recollections, while simultaneously bringing these into contact with present reality” (Valerie Sinason, 2013).

In this podcast the topics discussed are the nature of dissociation; the reasons people dissociate; healthy every day forms of dissociation; dissociation as an adaptive and protective function; dissociation as an experience or coping strategy that lies on a spectrum and the risks of over pathologising; dissociative disorders and vulnerability to zoning out; sense of fragmentation and separation; memory loss of traumatic events and recovery of dissociated memories; implanted memories (false memory syndrome); common symptoms of dissociation; challenges of mindfulness for dissociation; growing resilience and inner resources, self-worth and coming into our own life as an antidote for dissociation; enjoyment as a grounding experience, and finally, the fact that our nature is to move towards association and the importance of creating a coherent narrative about our childhood. They situate themselves, and also  provide various examples of experiences that we might be prone to dissociate, in order to protect ourselves. Dr Rick Hanson refers to how 20 years after high school he would experience a mild disconnection when entering meetings with high status or authority figures. More examples are provided of recovery of memories of events that we might have pushed out of sight for decades, like for instance, extreme bullying in (high) school. We could for example recover the memory that we were ganged up on and stuffed into a trash can only once we return to our school or hometown.

I am also sharing a song with the title Memory (Μνήμη), created by Stavros Roumeliotis (στίχοι | μουσική: Σταύρος Ρουμελιώτης), and sung by Maria Papageorgiou (Μαρία Παπαγεωργίου) at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ahHR9WYSnw

“Θα μας βρει η νύχτα μ’ άσπρα τα μαλλιά, μα τα τραγούδια παιδικά και μελανιές στα πόδια. Θα μας ψάλλει η νύχτα με γέρικη χροιά μα τα τραγούδια παιδικά, ξυράφια για ακόρντα. Το βράδυ η μνήμη δεν αφήνει το νου να κοιμηθεί στην κούνια το σώμα όλο παλεύει να χωθεί ύπουλα παίζει – παίζει ακόμα – παιχνίδια η μνήμη μας. Θα μας βρει η νύχτα μ’ άσπρα τα μαλλιά, μα τα τραγούδια παιδικά – ξυράφια για ακόρντα. Το βράδυ η μνήμη δεν αφήνει το νου να κοιμηθεί, στην κούνια το σώμα όλο παλεύει να χωθεί. Ύπουλα παίζει – παίζει ακόμα – παιχνίδια η μνήμη μας.”

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What’s in a name

I’m posting a new drawing today. It seems that I haven’t quite exhausted this series of charcoal drawings yet.

I’m also posting a short extract from Christina Patterson’s book: The Art of Not Falling Apart.

This particular extract refers to the importnace of celebration and it became relevant last Sunday because it was my Name Day. According to wikipedia the custom of celebrating one’s name day originated with the Christian calendar of saints. Those named after a saint would celebrate that saint’s feast day, or in the Eastern Orthodox tradition, the day of a saint’s death. Name days have greater resonance in the Catholic and Orthodox parts of Europe. This is certainly true in Greece, where name days tend to be celebrated more often than birthdays in adulthood.

The name I was given when I was christened was Antonia.  As far as I know, Antonia is of Roman origin, used as the name of women of the Antonius family. It is a variant of the Latin name Antonius, an ancient Roman family name, which however, derived from the ancient Greek name Anteon, son of Hercules. Anyway, when my father concluded on the name he wanted to honor his father, who was not alive by then, and I’m sure he had Saint Anthony in mind, not Ancient Romans or Greeks. Custom suggested that I should carry my paternal Grandmother’s name, Zoe, which means life in Greek, but in the end he insisted on Antonia to keep his father’s name alive, even though he found Antonia a bit too serious for a little girl, and preferred to call me Nia and Tonya.

Last Sunday I neglected celebrating or honoring my name day in any way. The fact that it was my name day somehow vanished in the background of my awareness for the most part of the day, but in the evening I remembered Patterson highlighting the importance of celebrating both the big things and the little things. She writes “To ‘celebrate’, according to the Oxford Dictionary, is to ‘honour with rites and rejoicings’. I think there’s a lot to be said for ‘rites and rejoicings’…….. Swedes love their rituals. At formal Swedish dinners, you’re not meant to take a sip of your drink unless you catch someone’s eye and make a toast. They also love singing songs. When my mother and I went to Sweden a few years ago, we went to see my uncle and aunt. My aunt invited some elderly neighbours round for dinner. There were seven of us round that table, including my eldest cousin. On the table were sheets of paper covered with words in Swedish I didn’t understand. I sent a panicked signal to my mother, but she just smiled. As soon as she sat down, Auntie Lisbeth picked up her sheet of paper and indicated that we should pick ours up, too. Between courses, it was clear, we would sing Swedish folk songs. I’m not sure that I’d recommend singing songs you don’t know in a language you don’t speak with your uncle, aunt and their elderly neighbours when you’re forty-five. But I knew that my aunt wanted to celebrate the fact that her sister was there, so I sang along anyway…” She continues: “ I think you should celebrate birthdays and anniversaries and leaving jobs. I think you should celebrate new books and new babies and new romances and new starts. I think you should celebrate the end of the working day and the start of the weekend. I think you should celebrate – and the scientific evidence backs this up – because thinking about good things makes you feel better.” In another chapter she writes: “I believe in parties. If you have parties to mark the fact that people have died, I think you should certainly make an effort to mark the fact that you were born and are still alive.”